The
Cost of Divorce
Divorce so often means
broken promises, wrecked relationships and broken children. However
the real answer to human happiness is not fiddling about with
new laws, but teaching people how to stay in love. We
need to encourage better partner choice, stronger relationships,
and early access to expert help, bringing practical compassion
not judgement. Ten years ago any politician that talked about
"family values" was ridiculed as a right wing extremist.
Now everyone is doing it. John Major and Tony Blair both see family
life as centre stage, without which society will perish.
* Loads more on cost
of divorce: 248 page "The Rising Price of Love" - FREE!!
They
are right. Do we really want another forty years' trends like
the last, until every child is in a broken home, every relationship
ends in conflict? "Quickie divorce" is a terrible curse
which has reduced lifelong marriage to nothing more than a twelve
week contract to be together.
Three out of four divorces take place in this savage
way, citing adultery or unreasonable behaviour, often before custody
of children and property allocation has been decided. And then
the war begins, perhaps followed by regrets. Half of all parents
who lose custody wish they had never got divorced. And some who
win their children also have second thoughts, but not soon enough.
Time for reconciliation with professional help is
essential. If that fails, then mediation should make for a more
civilised parting. Courts are the worst places to work out personal
conflicts. They are also hideously expensive.
There is growing government panic over soaring divorce
costs. Legal aid alone came to £178 million last year, just part
of £9 billion spent helping people cope with the aftershocks of
freedom - enough to pay for 10,000 primary schools or a quarter
of the health service. Mediation could save £100 million by making
an army of lawyers redundant. And helping marriages recover saves
other costs too - for example some of the £1 billion we spend
on children in care.
Divorce can be hell itself, with four times the
risk of needing psychiatric help, being depressed, or being off
work. Doctor's surgeries are full of people who can't eat, can't
sleep, can't concentrate or are physically ill because their marriages
are on the rocks.
People say that divorce is the answer to such unhappiness:
it brings release, freedom, escape from tyranny, oppression, despair,
violence and abuse. "Better a good divorce than a bad marriage ".
But as Relate points out, divorce tends to replace one set of
problems with another, especially where kids are involved.
More than a million children today are paying a
far higher price than we ever realised, and it has taken a broken
generation for us to come to our senses. We now know that children
from divorced homes are four times as likely to have problems
with behaviour, nightmares, bedwetting, and stomach pains. They
do worse in the classroom and are more prone to depression.
They are more likely to leave home early or run
away, to leave school with no qualifications. They are more likely
to get into early relationships, to get pregnant as teenagers,
to marry early and then get divorced.
Remarriage often makes things worse for children,
especially if other children are involved or a new partner tries
to take the place of an absent parent. Abused children are
ten times more likely to be in step-parenting homes than the national
average.
Where children have experienced several break-ups
they are ten times as likely to have severe behavioural problems.
The emotional damage is long lasting. In late middle age they
are still more likely to have major breakdowns than those from
stable homes.
Partners can separate and divorce if they
chose, but you can never divorce your children and they are a constant
reminder of the relationship; a living expression, a fusion of two
minds, personalities, strengths and weaknesses. Genetic identity
is stronger than any other human tie.
I've sat in court on a Judge's bench listening to
case after case of parents bickering over children. Access can
be a nightmare. Two hours a week can never replace ongoing chat
and friendship. It is almost unheard of for a child to spend a
single night in the home of the estranged parent. Visits are often
painful. Many children are effectively orphaned of the love, care
and affection of one parent after divorce.
In America, judges have been telling parents to
sit and listen to their own children, with counsellors present,
to hear in their own words what divorce has been for them. The
results have been devastating.
Research shows many divorcing parents have an emotional
blind spot, a defensive mechanism which prevents them seeing the
full impact on their offspring. And children often try hard not
to let it show.
Most parents getting divorced tell themselves that
it will help their children. They ignore recent research which
shows that children are likely to be better off in a marriage which is unhappy than in a split home, unless there is physical
or abuse. Divorce is also a fast route to poverty.
It is easy to think in darker moments that almost
every marriage is unhappy yet half of all marriages last a lifetime.
Millions of people are finding genuine love, security, affection
and friendship in stable relationships that in many cases have
sustained them throughout several decades.
And millions of their children have enjoyed growing
up in secure homes with their own mum and dad who cared for each
other deeply and respected each other too. THESE are the couples
we should be looking at. These are the ones who are managing to
work it out. Far too many people say it's just a matter of luck.
"For some it works out but for others it just doesn't".
That is nonsense. Hundreds of research papers have shown us how
to help predict before marriage which couples are likely to get
divorced, and which will probably stay together.
Long term relationships are back in fashion in an
era of AIDS and uncertainty. Survey after survey has shown that
a great sex life has more to do with affection than technique
- and love is meaningless without commitment, faithfulness, loyalty,
long term friendship and support.
These are the things we should be teaching
our children. People need to learn how to be happily married rather
than rely on more legal changes to divorce.
* Dr Patrick Dixon is author of The Rising Price
of Love published by Hodder £6-99.
* Loads
more on cost of divorce: 248 page "The Rising Price of Love"
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